10:58 a.m. Forgetful

I wake up at 10:31 a.m. from some dream where I'm driving around with two younger men, trying to keep them occupied, for what reason I don't know, and the front of my sweater is unraveling. The boy driving seems to be waiting for it to unravel completely, which I find flattering, assuming he has some sort of cow-eyed crush on me. The dream ends with an ego-shattering realization that he simply likes looking at breasts and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Waking up always leaves me groggy now, and it's not uncommon for me to wake up 2-3 times, then go back to sleep, while the morning creeps into afternoon. The latest I've slept this week? 2:30 p.m. A new record for me.

I've gotten up to get some bread, butter, and cheap brie (I'm proud that it's cheap, and that I'm eating it in quarters) for breakfast, but I'm not really hungry. If I think about food, I think about the cookie dough in the fridge. That's the sugar cravings from the Remeron. The grogginess and disturbing befuddlement that comes and goes may be the Remeron, too.

Because I'm forgetful now. Small things. And big things. Like locking myself out twice yesterday. Once because I forgot my keys, and the second time, because I picked up the wrong keys. I stood down in the mail room yesterday looking at the wrong keys in my hand absolutely unable to comprehend that I had keys in my hand, and that they were the wrong ones. Once my brain had established this in its painfully slow way, I went to try to open my mailbox with them anyway. Within seconds, I'd forgotten I had the wrong keys in my hand.

Then, this morning, I completely forget the maintenance men were supposed to come do the preliminary walk-through of our apartment before we move. The knock on the door is a complete surprise. That I'm surprised, however, doesn't surprise me. Instead, I think I should start writing these things down.

That I want to write... Now that's something that also surprises me, but in a completely different way. I haven't written or read anything since hospital. That's coming on three months now. So I wonder: Does this mean I'm getting better? Are the meds kicking in? Or is it only another up in an up-and-down world. And if so, when will the down come? And how deep will it be?