4:15 p.m. Irrational Impulse

I'm suddenly struck by an urge to get another cat. In my mind, we need another cat. We must have another cat. Right now. Right this week. Forget the moving, the packing. The cat is more important. Belle needs a friend, someone to play with. To hell with the fact that money's so tight we don't have the 300 plus it'd cost to adopt a new cat, visit the vet. In my irrational need, I'm sure we could find the money. And this is an investment! It'll make Belle happy, make me happy. Another cat to love, another to save. Yes, yes: why shouldn't we? We'd be fabulous parents. The cat would be fabulous! Belle and the cat would be the best of friends! We'd be a real little family in a new little apartment, and wouldn't life itself be fabulous then?

-sigh- These things exhaust me. They have no real root in reality, and I can see that, but the impulse is amazing and hard to repress. I almost feel like I will be devastated if I don't get another cat. How fucked up is that? If I had access to money and Jb's approval, I'd apply this minute for another cat. We'd pick out all the accessories two cats might need. We'd introduce them, watch over them, laugh at how they take to each other, arms around each other like some married couple with a fond appreciation for a pair of toddlers. God, what is this a substitute for? I know it means something, meant to assuage some fear -- the move? I'm shaking with the compulsion, and it feels like only spending, only acquiring will make it go away.

2:32 p.m. Feh.

Might be hitting a downswing. Might be the change in meds. Stayed up late last night, got up earlier, around 7ish. First time I've seen Jb before he headed off to work in a while. Played with a "new" pally on WoW for a bit, then went back to bed. Woke up again around noonish when Jb called.

Actually, now that I think on it, woke up cranky this morning. Jb and I got into it before he left without so much as a kiss and a very meh "goodbye." Was cranky, too, when Jb called around noon. I'm just loads of fun after being woken up and waking up already in a "mood."

Was thinking last night before bed that Jb ought to be a co-author of this blog. It'd be interesting to see what he has to say about how I affect him, and what sort of symptoms he's seeing in me. It'd be helpful to have some of his thoughts down if I have to go for disability. Because I'm not always rational enough to be objective about how I'm acting or what I'm doing. I doubt he'd be into doing something like that, though.

I have been feeling the compulsion to buy things and go places. Luckily, we don't have money, so the trips I used to take spur of the moment aren't possible anymore. When I discussed this with Jb, he took our bank card out of my wallet and took it to work with him and proceeded to tell me that if he ever came home and found me gone, I'd come home to an empty apartment. I vaguely mentioned taking the car to go see my parents for a week or so. This was vehemently veto'd.

I was productive today, but only because when Jb called at noon, he sorta got on my case about needing to pack. So I packed the booze with a winter coat (for cushioning), I packed the binders with our cds, movies, and games, as well as his Magic card binders and transferred his loose cards to a sturdier box with a top. There's some miscellaneous cds in ziploc bags in there, too, as well as my knitting and another winter coat (again, for cushioning). I taped up the box of my Framboise, too, because that's the important stuff (i.e. my favorite).