Lost It, Again

I lost it in the office at the psych's. Completely, utterly broke down. Shaking, sobbing. I think I used half his tissue box. I couldn't stop. And he just sat there and let me cry, which made me feel stupid and dumb and broken. I admitted I hadn't been med compliant and that I couldn't keep up with the hydration on the Lithium to offset the side effects. And when he suggested Abilify, I had to shoot that down because I'd been on it and gained 50lbs. And that's when my last psychiatrist suggested bariatric surgery rather than meds. What the fuck?

So I'm out in the parking lot outside the office, calling Jb, because I suddenly realize what day it is and that he's not getting paid 'til next Friday, and I blew all our foodstamps on food for, like, 4-5 days and a bunch of crap, and we've a whole other week we need groceries for. So I fucked up. And I'm bawling on the phone to him about that. And I can't stop. I can't stop crying. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Fucking roller coaster, and I want off. But no, the psych says, "That seems to be symptomatic of your illness." So it's official: I'm a rapid cycler.

Anway, prescription changes: off the Lithium. Still on the Lamictal and Klonopin. Wellbutrin is now gone. Zoloft has been up from 50 to 100MG.

Psych Check-In

I haven't felt like writing here much. I had a good bout of depression going last week. Slept until 2:30 one day, got up for a few, then went back to sleep until Jb came home. Couple fights put me so low that I was thinking about the hospital and suicide again. It passed, though, which is good. I did make up an excuse to not see my therapist last Friday. Jb'll have a fit when he reads this, as I told him I was sick, which I was, just not in a way he could understand. Or so I felt.

There's other little things. I haven't cooked in a week or so. Haven't made a grocery list yet for this two weeks. Haven't done dishes in a week. Let the apartment go to hell. Jb helped me clean up this weekend (i.e. Jb mostly cleaned up. I've yet to do the dishes). On a side note, I did apply for unemployment today, and we'll see how that goes given the obnoxiously ridiculous situation that was my work's request for a voluntary resignation and then an unpaid LOA without any documentation whatsoever. I finally just quit, and I'll probably have to explain that.

Did see the psych, or rather, the nurse practitioner, who I like better anyway. She still considers me unstable and has put me on yet another medication, Zoloft. So that's what? Five psych drugs. You've got to be kidding me. I'm really unhappy with this. I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to throw up my hands, throw out all the fucking meds, and just try to work through things with this therapist, who I'm liking quite a bit. I mean, seriously, five fucking meds:

Remeron 30 MG 1x a day (Sedative/Anti-depressant)
Lamictal 150 MG 2x a day (300 MG total) (Mood Stabilizer)
Klonopin 1MG 3x a day (Anti-Anxiety)
Wellbutrin XL 300 MG 1x a day (Anti-depressant)
Zoloft 50 MG 1x a day (Anti-depressant)

Plus the Benicar, the Levsin, and the Protonix that I'm always on for hypertension and IBS. I honestly need a pill organizer at this point. A quarter of the time, I forget to take my meds. Maybe not so much. But I'm not daily compliant. I don't remember until too late in the morning, or I totally forget at night. Maybe an organizer would help. I don't know.

Feeling increasingly frustrated.

6:00 a.m. Med Check

Woke about 5:45 a.m. Took my meds. Ate them with some cheese and crackers--got my protein in. I now sing Kate MacLeod's "Me and My Medicine" in my head every time I have to take my meds:

"I'd rather be a pillar of salt
Then to leave my self behind"

Didn't sleep very well. Vivid dreams again. More on those in the next post. Woke up achy, probably still because of sleeping on the floor. Went to bed around 11ish last night.

8:01 a.m. Med Check

Lamictal and Wellbutrin taken. Breakfast: salmon cream cheese and bagel. I've taken my pills and eaten--like a good girl. I'm fairly miffed at having to do this and beginning to resent it.

Everybody's Comin' to Get Me

Last night, paranoia hit me hard. It's been hitting me on and off for a long while, though it gets stronger and weaker at times. But it's only last night that I think I started seeing it for what it is. Half the time it manifests itself in the usual ways: thinking people are always watching me, talking about me behind my back, thinking mean thoughts about me, conspiring about me at work. Now I'm starting to think it manifests itself heavily in my relationships. I start thinking things about my significant other like, "Oh, he doesn't really love me. I just want him to admit what I already know: he doesn't actually love me." And there's paranoia about what they're doing, thinking, mostly in regards to me or how it affects me. Are they cheating? Would they ever? Do they want to? What are they hiding on their computers? What are they hiding in their lives? Why don't they ever want to spend time with me? The computer/tv/object must be more important than I am. Maybe I'm not capable of being loved. Etc., etc.

My thoughts were on the mental downward train last night because Jb was on the computer most of the night, watched a tiny bit of tv with me, then zonked out. I immediately started in with the whole, "He never wants to spend time with me anymore. He must not love me. The computer and tv are more important than me. This is just like my last relationship. I'm losing him. What if he cheats on me? He probably doesn't love me anymore. He probably hates me and thinks I'm crazy." Which he should when I think things like that. Because, you know, he couldn't possibly be tired because he's had a long week at work in 90 degree weather, which would be enough to sap anyone. So this becomes just another symptom to bring up to my psych doctor.

Also, I willfully didn't take my meds last night. I didn't want to. I didn't want to have to be taking meds, and certainly not so damn many. Most of the time, I'm extremely faithful to the idea of being med compliant. But last night, I was so down with the paranoid thinking that I didn't see how it mattered if I took meds or not. I didn't care. I didn't care about me.

On a better note, I did take my meds this morning. Lamictal and Wellbutrin down. As far as my sleep schedule, tried to go to bed around 10:30-ish. Not sure when I actually got to sleep. Slept until about 10:30-ish this morning. 12 hours. A little too long, maybe.

8:10 a.m. Meds Check

Saw the psych doctor on Monday, the day after the move. Told the psych nurse practitioner that I had been feeling depressed, wishing I were back in the hospital, thinking bad thoughts, but not to the point of having a plan. Just the beginnings of them. I was crying more, acting out and difficult to handle, and not interested in much, despite the obvious need to pack and move. I told her that I know change is a trigger for me, and that I usually go depressed afterward. I'm still sleeping a ton. So she tweaked my meds and actually put me on an antidepressant along with the sleep aid and mood stabilizer. Why I wasn't on one before this, I've no idea. There was also talk of raising my Lamictal because of the anger and irritability, but we never settled on a dosage.

Here's my new list of psych meds:
Wellbutrin XL 150 MG 1x a day (antidepressant)
Lamictal 100 MG 2x a day (mood stabilizer)
Remeron 30 MG 1x a day (sleep aid/sort of an antidepressant; up from 15 MG)
Klonopin 1 MG 2x a day (anti-anxiety)

Other meds:
Benicar HCT 40/25 MG 1x a day (blood pressure)
Protonix 40 MG 1x a day, as needed (gastro-intestinal pain)
Levsinex .375 TIMECP 2x a day (abdominal pain/IBS symptoms)

Add to that the 2 Tylenol or Ibuprofen I've been taking for my left knee (osteo-arthritis is acting up with all the rain and change of seasons), and I'm starting to feel like I need a day-of-the week pill box with separate day and night chambers. Not to mention that you'd think someone with Bipolar, IBS, GERDS, lymphadema, and osteo-arthritis could get a response on her medical assistance application from the county. It does hurt the morale.

6:10 p,m, It's Been a Bad Day

Didn't get as much done as I wanted to. I'm upset about that. I'm upset about breaking a cup while cleaning. No, that's not the end of the world, but my mind has this way of convincing me that I'm a fuck up when I don't get things perfectly right, when I don't live up to my expectations. I'm an overachiever in work and school, and sometimes in stupid things like breaking cups. For some reason, that sent me into a downward spiral. Maybe because of the stress that's building. Ended up with a horrible headache on top of it, which might be because I missed my Lamictal this morning. It's known for headaches, and since I get so few headaches, when I do get one, they lay me out. I don't know how people walk around functioning when their head, one of the most used parts of their body, is throbbing like an aching tooth. I can't deal with it. And for some reason, I got so tired that I crawled back into bed until about 5:30 p.m. I was glad I got up, at least, before Jb got home because I would have been ashamed to still be in bed after he worked all day. Besides that, we can't get the keys for the new apartment until tomorrow, and I know how upset he is about that. He was hoping to move things over today. I, being subversive and just... tired, am sort of glad, but I can't seem like I need a break, not when he's pushing so hard. So it's just... a bad day. And I'll be getting through the next few days on sheer strength of will and fumes. Because I don't feel up to it at all, but I have to do it. And when I say I'm tired, I know that's a euphemism I use when I'm depressed, or heading there.

5:32 a.m. Lack of Sleep & Meds

Tried for an early night last night (10 p.m.), but I was up at 1 a.m., now again at 5:30 a.m. I'm not all that tired, considering I'm running on about 5 hours of sleep a night. I don't know if this is the Lamictal affecting my sleep, which it can, or evidence of a low hypomania because of the move.

On a bad note, I forgot to take my meds last night. I'd been doing so well, too, but I got caught up in watching Firefly (why Fox ever canceled it's one decent show, I'll never understand), among other things, and simply forgot. As for the sleeping, I think I may switch from taking 100MG x 2 tablets of Lamictal in the morning to 100MG in the morning and then another 100MG at night, which is how it was initially prescribed, though the psychiatric nurse practitioner told me to take 200MG in the morning if it messed with my sleep.

Somehow, it may be messing with my sleep in the wrong way. At the same time, they halved my Remeron to 15MG down from 30MG. Remeron's known to have a sedative effect. So it could be the Remeron moving out of my system. And while I was sleeping far too much before on the higher dose of Remeron, now I'm not sleeping enough. And sleep is part of the stabilization game. So many patients with mental health problems swear that they need 8 hours of sleep and a set schedule to keep themselves on the up-and-up.

Edit: According to Crazy Meds, "Another not-so-common effect [of Lamictal] is a type of insomnia where you're tired, but you can't sleep." Hm.

By the by, I've found Crazy Meds to be an excellent resource for looking up a medication's side effects, and often, I find the collection of patients' experiences with the medication a better indicator of side effects than what my psych doesn't tell me. On the other hand, I've been sore all week, but I've also been cleaning and packing a good deal, so I'm not going to attribute that to Lamictal right away. If it keeps up after the move, it may make me more thoughtful.

12:01 p.m. Pharmacies, Insurance, & Copayments, Oh My!

Thwarted at the pharmacy. I swear. Took a bus all the way out to the hospital, and I could only get the Lamictal filled. Luckily, it was the one I was completely out of. Since I seem to have dropped off prescriptions elsewhere, insurance won't pay for them until June 13th. Nevermind that my prescription has changed. But I've enough Remeron and Klonopin to last me a couple days more. I checked out my receipt for my Lamictal and about went into sticker shock. $20 with insurance. Without? $276. My god! I need to look up one of those free prescription programs my nurse practitioner (PCP) told me about. (This is when I seriously consider moving to Canada.) Health Insurance will certainly be a big influence on who gets my vote, that's for sure.

On another note, side effects today. I was falling asleep on the bus and in the pharmacy waiting room. And walking was this odd sort of seasick weave out to the bus stop and down the halls. My feet kept wanting to go in front of each other, and my body kept wanting to gravitate toward the nearest wall. It's a strange sort of gravity, this dizziness thing. And I feel weak, unable to really get to work and start cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom, both of which need it. I was also planning on making this Creamy Sausage Casserole with Biscuits, but that might be overkill for today. I hate having to conserve and space out my energy. I understand how, even when a patient might be feeling better, that person might still be unable to work. I do believe it'd be frowned upon if someone was found, head on their keyboard, at work. Not to mention the walking like you're drunk. Stellar review, I'm sure.

By the by, I love my nurse practitioner. She gave me two months worth of samples of Benicar so I wouldn't have to pay for them because she knew I'd lost my job. Psychiatrists, on the other hand, are stingy bastards I'm finding, and look at you like you're a junky if you ask for samples. Given the fact that they're the ones prescribing the medicine, it just makes me wanna slap 'em.

7:36 a.m. Early Mornin' Check-In

Was up around 5ish this morning, then again at 7ish when I heard Jb getting ready for work. Took meds with a Barq's, and here's the fascinating thing about Barq's (yes, yes: we all know "it has bite"): it also has caffeine, unlike almost every other brand of root beer out there. So I've a 12-pack of the stuff, and my stomach is not a happy camper (TM). Caffeine exacerbates the IBS, which is always fun, and feeling sick to my stomach, literally, does nothing for my mood.

Note to self: No vivid dreams of late. Or, at least, none I remember. I'd like to say there was something just on the edge of memory when I woke up this morning, but it's long gone now.

7:06 Meds, Check

2 Lamictal, 1 Klonopin, and 1 Seagrams Ginger Ale (Note: Caffeine Free). Went to bed at 1:30 a.m. Maybe more like 2 a.m. I resent the way Jb rolls over and is out like a light and snoring within a minute of deciding he's tired while I lie there, thoughts random and a mess. Forecast for staying up? Slim to none. Maybe. If I dreamed, I remember nothing. Haven't in days. May be starting a downward trend. Too early to tell, but spent parts of yesterday and the day before morose and in a general funk. Emotionally sensitive. The regular symptoms. Could it be the lower dose of Remeron -- an antidepressant -- finally leaving my system? Unsure. Maybe going down 15MG was a bad idea.

7:01 a.m. Spoonful of Sugar

So, up at 7. Taking my meds with a 7 Layer Bar from the batch I made yesterday, which, apparently, Jb doesn't like. He's more a brownie/cookie man. Ah well, more for me, I say. Being good about taking my Lamictal and Klonopin. We'll see if I crawl back into bed this morning or not. Too tired now to be coherent. More to say later.

6:03 a.m. Compliant

Up at 6 this morning. Having my breakfast, which I don't want, and taking my 200MG of Lamictal and 1MG of Klonopin. My neck muscles and shoulder muscles and most of my other muscles are sore, like they've taken a good beating. I've read this can be a side effect. My eyes are also bloodshot, which is new, and somewhat disturbing. If I had any dreams last night, I don't remember them. Too tired to say much else.

11:02 a.m. Stupid, Stupid

Stupid, stupid me. I didn't take my Lamictal or Klonopin this morning. I wonder if it's too late to now. I wonder if I forgot to yesterday, too. I'm not used to taking anything in the morning. And I wonder if this has anything to do with the tireds. I think I took my Lamictal last night without thinking and wonder if it's worth taking two this morning or waiting now.

And speaking of stupid, my morning dreams are coming back to me now. I'm in a college dorm and Jb and B, an old co-worker of mine, are stripping naked and jumping out the window to a snow-covered ledge below to... flaunt their nakedness? I've honestly no idea. It's clear they think it's a good idea, despite the snow. There is some public security officer talk out on the roof, and a little defiance, but eventually, they come back upstairs. I, of course, am only afraid of getting into trouble and don't see the humor in the whole thing. This is typical of me. Everything must be just right, I must be just right, I must not get into trouble, I must keep the status quo, I must be perfect.

Because deep inside I know how truly imperfect I am.

Later in the dream, I'm frying my uncle Frank a salmon sandwich, except the salmon curls up into grey little elephants that talk to each other in the pan, and I'm wondering how I'm going to be able to serve this on a sandwich, and they're certainly not big enough for two sandwiches.

Strange take on the usual pink elephant dream, especially considering I was completely sober this morning. Unless a lack of meds can simulate such things.

1:16 a.m. Drained

Up at 1 in the morning. Maybe the lamictal. Psychiatric nurse practitioner mentioned it might mess with my sleep. Will start taking 2 lamictal in the morning and none at night.

Otherwise, woke up from a sex dream, again. Vivid. But I've forgotten it now.

Before bed, Jb and I were at it again. touchy and upset, arguing. Jb has a way of instigating things that makes me want to hurt him. He's the one who started off with the sullen, passive-aggressive shit, but he won't admit to it. So he goads me, which I don't deserve, and I end up confused and hurt and yelling back about what, I don't really know. Sometimes it just drains me.

11:58 a.m.Perky!

Didn't wake up until 11 a.m. I could have woken up earlier, but I was having this delicious dream that involved some sort of family business rivalry, and perfume, and sex and seduction. I kept trying to fall asleep and recapture it because my dreams are so vivid right now, but I couldn't. And finally, a lady from 1-800-THERAPIST called me back and woke me up. We talked for a few minutes and she gave me some numbers for a few places with sliding scale fees, medication management, and support groups. The support group is every other Thursday, but downtown. I'm not quite sure how I feel about a support group at the moment, but it's a good resource to know about.

And here's the reason I'm unsure about a support group: I feel perky! I feel awake, I feel fine, I feel... just great, really. I took a Klonopin and more Lamictal this morning, so maybe the Klonopin took the edge off the more out-of-control fine I was feeling yesterday. I don't know. If I do what McMan calls a "systems check," I can still feel a little fraying at the edges.

Yesterday was bad, though. I kept doing a shuffling dance waiting for the bus. Everything was so slooooow, and because I didn't want to miss my second appointment, I got there an hour and a half early. So I sat down on a bench outside to get my 10m of sunlight, like the therapist I broke up with, said I should. In case there was any benefit to the hooey. And I kept calling Jb, like 3 times: "You're driving near home? Oh, hi! -wavewave-," which he didn't get and I repeated many times, then I called him about bumble bees because there was a big one, and he was all up in my space: "Do bumblebees sting? No, the big ones, like at the arboretum, do they sting? Wouldn't their stinger be even bigger than regular ones? Wouldn't that hurt more? Are you sure they don't sting? But you said they don't sting! I don't care if they sting different! Are you suuuure they don't sting? 99.9% sure? Well, okay. I just wanted to know if they sting."

And so on and so on. I already mentioned the fiasco in the office, hands shaking, trying to show the psychiatric nurse practitioner my list, being told things about my medications I wasn't quite sure I'd remember, talking too much. Then not being able to wait for the bus because it was so sloooooow, and the wind was getting my hair in my face, and doing that shuffling, rocking dance again at the stop, and deciding no, no: I'll go wait in the hospital cafeteria, yeah, which was a longer wait, but which also had food, which the nurse said I needed. So I ate a salad with eggs and nuts and cheese for the protein and read more Madness.

When Jb finally picked me up, I couldn't stop talking. He definitely noticed I was a little hyper, a little too happy. In the Subway line, I couldn't stop giggling and laughing. I'd just thought of the funniest joke, and it was so funny I couldn't keep the laughter in. And that was the ride home, giggling, and all the way up in the elevator, where I just wanted to laugh and laugh, and should have put both hands over my mouth to keep it in, but couldn't. He called me "crazy," which I sort of resented, but then, inside, he said, "Hey!" And I asked, "What?" And he said, "I love you." And I asked, "Even though I'm crazy?" And he said, "Unh huh." And I said, "I love you too. ... Even though you're sane." And we were good.

I'm finding that I'm also getting more pokey and wrestley when I'm like this. I antagonize Jb into getting into small wrestling bouts. I'm more touchy, but not in the good way. I poke and prod and try to get him to pay attention, and he ham-handles me back, which I deserve, but then, which I resent, and so it sort of escalates until someone gets pinched too hard and pouts. Sometimes me, sometimes him. And we're mad for minutes at a time. But then, I start up all over again, and it's not something I can help. I think it's a need to be doing something, I want for attention. I'm bored easily, and Jb's the nearest one around.

I take my meds at 9 p.m., but I'm not asleep until almost 12. My new meds as of May 19th, 2008 are:

• Remeron 30MG taken as 15MG 1x a day
• Lamcital 200MG taken as 100MG 2x a day, or if it starts messing with my sleep, 2 100MG tabs in the morning
• Klonopin 1MG 2x a day
• No Adderall refill
• Benitar HCT 40/25 1x a day

I see the psychiatrist again in 2 weeks.

Doctor!

So, um, it was good: I took a list. Kinda scattered, very talky. She made me eat a piece of candy 'cause I hadn't really eaten all day. She says I should get blood work to make sure it's manic and not diabetes, but I told her I'd had all that blood work 3 months ago, but she said do it anyway.

Med changes. Yes. Of course, always tweaking. Twice the Lamictal I was on. Half the Remeron. She didn't believe me that Remeron made me crave sugar. She thinks I'm making that up, I can tell. That's what the blood work is for. She thinks I could be diabetic. But I was shaky, so she made me eat candy out of her drawer, which was sorta disgusting. It was all dusty with that powder they put on hard candy in tins, and I didn't want it, but she made me.

Forgot to take the Klonopin. Adderall now a definite probably no. Caffeine probably didn't help.

She said I'm supposed to eat three times a day, protein to stabilize my moods. I can't afford to eat three times a day. Jb jokes we'll get me protein bars, which is better than the other joke he could have made. Jb also called me "crazy" in the car. Very clearly manic. Or hypo, really. Up up. To-may-to tah-ma-to. We went to Subway after (Jb picked me up because I couldn't wait for the bus; it was too slow), and that was a great joke. Whitebread! Very funny. Can't explain more, but it's giggly good.

I need to write down my prescriptions, but not now, I can't focus, and I doubt I could read her writing. They use those squiggly things to signify how many and how many times a day. Feh.

3:25 p.m. No Downtime

Note to self: 2 p.m. came and went and no down time today as in the past 3 days. Exhibiting some possible signs of hypomania since Friday. Feels full blown today. Because I have to go to the psych? Unsure of trigger if there is one.

Have also gone from thinking the meds might be kicking in, to thinking I don't need no steenkin' meds, to thinking maybe I need more meds, because I can't quite get myself under control.

Will take a Klonopin and catch my bus on time. Will also not drink any more caffeine. Will not continue to blog or look up studies on Lamictal on McMan's website.

12:17 p.m. Missed Appt. & List of Symptoms

Dammit, I've forgotten my psych appointment. I had to call them to find out because I couldn't find my appointment card among the trash, the bills, the folders of county info and medical info.

The receptionist sounds vaguely amused when she tells me I missed it; it was earlier today. I'm vaguely annoyed and feel as if she's patpat'd me via phone. They have a cancellation for later today, though, so I'll be going at 5:15 p.m. I call Jb to tell him this, to tell him I might not be home by the time he is, so, "Don't worry! Just at the psych's!" He suggests that maybe we should start writing down my appointments, like on a whiteboard that we post on the bathroom door, a cheap one with cheap markers -- since that's really all we can afford. I feel like a child now, who's been talked to like a child, and shamed into looking at her feet as she digs a toe into the ground.

Feeling child-like, and pissed at myself for what I see as continued incompetence, I tell myself I will look at my blog. I will write down the points I would like to discuss with my psych. Better yet, I'll write them down now! Here is what I will tell my psych:

• I'm am so forgetful I forget appointments and lock myself out of my apartment regularly.
• I would lick sugar off the floor if it spilled. I think this is a Remeron side effect.
• I sleep until 10 p.m., then again at 2 p.m., then again at 11 p.m.
• Sometimes, I cannot sleep because I talk to myself all night long.
• When I am not asleep, I run a constant dialogue with myself in my head.
• I obsess over lyrics, poems, my diagnosis.
• Everything seems dirty to me. I can't touch or eat off certain things until they're clean.
• I screen my calls and avoid people.
• I still don't shower for days. My personal hygiene is definitely lacking.
• I'm writing some, but it's all crap, and I've only begun to read very little bits.
• My dreams are especially vivid, but often forgotten, except in the morning.
• I am feeling somewhat better. The peaks and valleys are less extreme, but the rotation seems quicker, and it's exhausting trying to keep up.
• I saw something the other day that probably wasn't there.
  

This is what I would ask my psych:

• Is Lamictal really supposed to be used as a mood stabilizer?I read that a study from the APA said that it didn't work any better as a mood stabilizer than placebos did.
• Is there something we can try besides Remeron? Something weight neutral that doesn't make me feel like a junky without the benefit of a high?
• Am I really bipolar? Because I'm not sure I am. Shouldn't I be cycling less if I am? And if I'm not, what the hell is this? Because I'd feel so much better if I could label it. If I could hold it in my hands and work around a definition.
• And what about work? It's been 3 months. But I still feel too unstable, like if I tried to find another job now, it'd be a month, maybe more, before I'd be hey-ho! for the hospital again. Should I go for disability and will you support me?
  

I think that's all. I know I have forgotten something. I'm always forgetting something. I just worry it's not a big something. I'd rather it be a small something, like how I've forgotten which bus to take to the hospital to see my psych doctor, though I rode that bus everyday for nearly two weeks. And why is it that I can't get my mind to stop, and yet, I can't get it to function either?

Oh! I did forget. I will take a list of my meds! A list. Not my white bag. The white bag will stay home. I will take white paper instead. Because white paper is more normal. (Only the labels for my posts -- "dosage" -- reminded me that, yes, I'm going to the psych doctor to check the dosage of my meds. How clever. After all, that's what psych doctors are for, yes.)

12:25 p.m. The Big Forgets

I forgot to take my meds last night. I remembered, then forgot. Somewhere between walking from the fridge to the bed. I do that now and then. Forget my meds. I ask Jb to remind me, but his ADD/ADHD makes him as forgetful as me sometimes. I used to be the responsible one. Now we're both in a boat without oars.

My Med List

• Adderall 10MG 2x a day
• Lamictal 100MG 1x a day at night
• Clonazepam (Klonopin) 1MG 2x a day
• Mirtazapine (Remeron) 30MG 1x a day at night
• Nexium 40MG 2x a day
• Benicar HCT 40/25 1x a day

I keep them all in a white plastic bag that says, "Washington Adventist Family Pharmacy: Thank you for shopping with us, and please come again." When I go to see my primary care physician, I take the bag with me and clutch it to me as I wait for her. I can't remember my meds and the dosages without my bag.