Monday

I always go into the week determined to do better, do more, feel better. The past several nights I've had problems getting to sleep, staying up as late as 3am. Not surprisingly, I'm sleeping later in the mornings--until almost 11am. When I wake up, I'm still groggy for several hours. I've read more than one article in the past that directly links insomnia and hypersomnia to episodes of depression and mania, so I think it's important to be noting this change in my sleeping habits. For example, right now, I could really use a nap. I slept until 11am, and at 3pm, I'm already tired.

Having said that, I started off on the right foot for once on a Monday. I spent much of the morning fleshing out characterizations for the series I'd like to write. I think I've done enough characterization to actually start writing. On a side note, one of the reasons I think I'm staying up later is the books. For some reason, at night, once the lights are out and the tv quiet, I start hashing over the plot and characters in my head, imagining scenes, narrating them to myself. It's an important process, though, and I hate the idea of curbing it, as these characters are real to me, and they talk to me and reveal themselves to me during these times.

I have also found the paper for the printer and envelopes. That means I can begin typing up a letter to HR telling them to shove it, as they've given me no further documentation of my unpaid leave of absence, a bill for the amount they overpaid me while on FMLA, information about Cobra, or a copy of my file, all of which I asked for back on May 9th. Cutting all ties makes me nervous, though, as I'm still able to get insurance with them for roughly $100 a month. I'm terrified of not having insurance, of being unable to pay for my prescriptions or the necessary doctor visits. Hopefully, unemployment and Cobra will help with that. I also plan to send in an application to the county for their adult pharmacy care program.

On top of that, management is bringing in inspectors to check out the apartments tomorrow. Ours is really fairly clean. I need to do dishes, pick up some trash. But overall, far more clean than our old apartment. I attribute this to the fact that we've actually tried to keep the place clean and to the fact that we now have hardwood floors. With Jb's dirty, outside work, there was no hope for keeping a carpet clean, add to that a sick cat, and well, good luck. Our new cat, however, is so low-maintenance, we're stunned. She leaves no mess, except right around her litter box. But that's very manageable.

I am, I admit, starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the things I need to do. And the anxiety and IBS is there in spades. I'm due for another appointment with my PCP for blood work and with my gastro doc for a check-in. I really don't want to do either. And I've an appointment with the county to reassess my need for county assistance on the 14th. And a class on bankruptcy at the end of the month. In the meantime, we get by as best we can, and Kat Eggleston's "One More Step" is my theme song:

So you walk like you've never faltered
So you move like you still had faith
Head down and a turned up collar
Through a string of long, hard days
Walking through the darkest passage
Though you saw no light ahead
And your greatest act of courage
Was in taking one more step.

So you raise your voice in sorrow
'Til you heard no other sound
Saw nothing but your own shadow
With your eyes turned toward the ground
And when at last some kindness found you
Then it was as though you had slept
And the crowd in the dark around you
Were all taking one more step.

Oh, the warmest of standing water
It may some day come to freeze
So you'll tell your sons and your daughters
How to live with times like these
Tell them when their hearts are frozen
To trust their feet instead
When there is nothing left but motion
And taking one more step.

When we find that we are laughing
And we're running in the sun
Then we know that we still are breathing
And the longest night is done
And finally resting from the battle
Wondering where our feet have led
Amazed at how we traveled
By taking one more step.