The 4th was mostly rained out. I caught a few flashes through the window, and Jb said if I wanted to try to find them, he would love to take me. "Love to take me." He's generous like that--in ways I could never be. So we went out driving in the rain, saw no fireworks, but rolled the windows down, turned the country music up, and watched the lights flash by and reflect up off the road. At a stoplight, he leaned in and said the sweetest damn thing to me. So sweet I'm going to keep it to myself, and horde it in my heart, and feel, for the first time in a while, the bliss that used to mark my highs. Maybe this is happiness, this quiet, glad, contentment that fills the chest without being so extreme that you can't control it or feel as if you can't hold it all in. Who knew there could be too much happiness, and who knew that a baseline could feel less like a loss and more like a gain.
About Me
- Inertia
- This is my blog. I thought about saying, "This is my bipolar blog," but I still feel like a pretender to that throne. If it is bipolar, it's Bipolar II, heavy on the depression, light on the hypomania. It also could merely be chronic major depression. As if major depression is something you could ever say "merely" about.
I went into the hospital on March 13th, 2008 for depression and suicidal ideation. It was my first hospitalization. I'm starting this blog three months later, to turn things over, report things, give them some sort of reality beyond simply being in my head. Because I don't trust my head anymore.
I'm a 32-year-old writer with one marriage behind me and the unwavering support of my boyfriend, Jb. I've struggled with this particular depressive episode since June 2007. The hospitalization was the most humbling yet freeing experience of my life. I've lost my job, my sense of security, and my sense of self. But I've gained a diagnosis, a place to begin again, and the time to do so.
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2 comments:
relationships are hard. im wondering why my bf is still with me when he can be with a "normal" girl.. this is a thought that haunts me everyday... when is he gonna have enough of my erratic instability? ive already had enough of me.. sounds like you have a great guy..
Self-esteem issues are something I constantly deal with. Half the time I can't imagine what I did to deserve Jb. He's beyond supportive, though even he has a hard time handling things--well, me--when the moods swing. I already have one marriage behind me, and I find myself wondering how much of my dissatisfaction in that relationship was him, and how much of it was really me, undiagnosed, and screwed up. So I completely empathize.
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