Lost It

Completely flipped the fuck out at the psych's. Anxious all the way there, pacing the office while I waited, he'd barely sat down when I started trying to talk to him about work. Couldn't sit for my nerves, just kept walking back and forth, and goddammit if I didn't start crying. Told him about how my job had forced me out, the deal of unpaid leave for insurance, the lack of a determination from the county, everything, and his reply? Why didn't I take the voluntary resignation, go on unemployment and take Cobra. And I had no reply for that, except that Cobra's expensive. But now I don't know. Maybe that's exactly what I should do. The situation couldn't be worse than the one I'm in now, and even after paying for Cobra, I couldn't be bringing in less than the county's giving me. So why the fuck not? I plan to look into it.

But what truly pisses me off is that that was my appointment. How's the Klonopin? Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it isn't. I don't go out unless I'm with my boyfriend. It's too hard. Do you have enough Lamictal? No, I'll run out this week. Do you have any samples? No, Lamictal's going generic, so they're not handing out any samples anymore. (Then it doesn't matter because I can't fill this prescription until I have the money anyway.) Are you seeing a therapist? I'm on the waiting list for one. Why? Because they're sliding scale. You're making an appointment for one when you go out front. Do you need to see someone today? No, don't worry about it. I always worry about it. You're seeing Nicole in one week and making a therapy appointment.

And out the door. What the hell did that do for me? I'm hustled off to his psychiatric nurse practioner for prescriptions and off to his wife therapist for her 15m of infinite wisdom: "Take a 10m walk, take one thing at a time . . . " Because, you know, I'm not a fucking moron who hasn't had successful and useful cognitive-behavioral therapy before. I've a Master's degree for Christ's sake. I'm not an idiot. I think it's time to take things into my own hands, to shut the hell up, dust myself off, and get out there and do what needs to be done. No more cowering. No more safety net. No more allowing myself to be weak. I need to muscle through. No excuses. If I'd done that, I would have never ended up in the hospital or lost my job.

And to top off my day? My fucking computer won't boot. I'm so screwed.