Set Back

Status: Med compliant. Tired.

Concern: I'm considering scrapping this blog. When I first started this blog, I gave Jb access to it. I thought it'd be a way for him to understand how I felt and what I was going through. I think, after a fight I'll mention later, that all of this was more than he could handle. And I'm feeling as if I've let him too far in while he's stayed silent and kept everything in. I don't like the vulnerable position this puts me in. I already feel vulnerable, and Jb's feelings come out harsh in arguments.

Argument: It started over going to a freakin' deli for lunch. I had asked if there was anything there I'd like. I had wanted to know if Jb had even thought of me. I don't typically like sandwiches and subs, so I was unsure why we were going. Well, he hadn't thought of me. And apparently, my pointing this out had "ruined" the afternoon. We ended up in a yelling match, trying to out stubborn each other. Me, sitting on the curb by the car. Him smoking on the steps and leaving me there. What came out in the end was his feelings that I'm constantly negative these days. That we can't go out and do anything without my mood swinging, without being negative, and how do I respond to that? Giving him access to this blog was supposed to help him understand what I'm going through. But it's wearing him thin, and it's straining our relationship in ways I don't know how to deal with because I can barely deal with myself. I'm considering looking into a support group recommended by my psych.

The upsetting part of yesterday was that I was so hysterical, got worked up to such a point, that I probably hit manic for at least a few. And this is my problem: I go from depressed to manic to normal to depressed to normal to manic and it can be in hours, or days. It's not the periods of mania and depression that, looking back, I can begin to label and name. There was a point where I was so hysterical I wanted to go to the hospital because I really did want to overdose, slash my wrists. And it was frightening and impulsive, and I didn't really care. I was so tired of fighting, fighting to keep the feelings in boxes, away from the people I love, and being yelled out for not being able to do it. Since hospital over four months ago, I've honestly felt as if I've needed in twice in the last four months, but I've kept it to myself.

On the Good Side: I got my medicaid cards. They cover inpatient and outpatient care, so if I need to go to hospital this time around, I can. They also cover just about everything else without copay or out-of-pocket expenses. It's a life saver right now. I only wish I could find a therapist. They're as elusive to me as unicorns.