Should Haves

I should have talked to my therapist about this today, but I didn't feel it until just now. The anxiety. The very real panicky, fear of going back to what I was. I'd die there. I'd want to die if all I had to look forward to was an 8-hour day and a few, precious hours at home. I have to go back. Everyone does. There are bills, rent, utilities, food. Nothing pays for itself. And yet, it scares me more -- the idea of going back -- then of being poor like this.

I've come to this point where I don't know who I am. Without my family, my home, my friends, the existence and hobbies I'd eked out in Illinois, I don't know who I am here. I knew who I was in my marriage. What my role was. Jb is more challenging. I feel more need to be the things he wants me to be, even though I know that what he most wants is for me to be myself. But I don't know what that is here on the East Coast. I don't know what to do here, or why I should do it, or who to be. And I have no resources in which to explore it.