It's cliche. The way, when someone asks about your relationship, everyone almost always answers: It's complicated. Aren't all relationships? But ours has gotten more complicated. My irritability doesn't help; it puts him on the defensive, and there's nothing that can be said from there.
But therapy is going to open old wounds as well: the neglect from my parents, from my husband, the realization that as mother to my mother and roommate to my husband, I've had very few people -- hardly any -- who ever took care of me. I've been taking care of myself so long, of other people, that right now, I need someone who wants to take care of me. Who wants to put my needs before their own for once. And that's a tall order for any relationship.
I'm not sure Jb is up to that. Not with all the work he does to bring money home, or the way he feels as if I'm telling him he never takes care of me when he must feel like he always does now that he's supporting me. But it's a different kind of need, and one that's truly hard to explain to him. How do you tell your boyfriend you need affection, and lots of it, because you never, ever had it as a child. It's a tall order. Especially when your own experience has made you stingy.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Jb and I
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
this post speaks to me so much its eerie.. im experiencing the same frustrations with my relationship, it makes me feel really greedy sometimes... and selfish :(
My therapist, who I'm actually liking, though she wears Ellen Tracy shoes, told me that this isn't unusual in relationships, much less bipolar ones. She named this book that she says explains it fairly well, or she remembered the author, actually. I'll have to see if I can't get the title from her so I can post it here.
I still do feel greedy and selfish, and I try to suck it up most of the time. Or I sleep it off, which is a bad way of dealing with it. But Jb and I had this huge sit down discussion where he told me, point blank, that if I needed or wanted something, I had to ask for it. And sometimes he'd be able to give it to me, and sometimes he wouldn't. And it's such a grownup way of dealing with things, but I don't always feel rational and grownup.
Post a Comment